REVIEWS
Buy an empire
Steelport’s finest real estate
Weapon
Shop
Buy up gun
stores first for
fast discounts
on the best
weapons.
Airport
A big boost to hourly
income and unlimited
access to jets. What’s
not to love?
$
Plastic Surgeon
Plastic surgeons can
completely reform your
image, but it can get pricey.
Safehouse
Upgrade your
penthouse, turning
it into a money-making skyscraper.
extra money. For me, only a handful
survived the novelty of the first
playthrough. The mad, mascot-slaying gauntlet that is Professor
Genki’s Super Ethical Reality
Climax was one of the highlights.
The minigame in which I had to
cruise through a dull, undulating
track on a Tron lightcycle dodging
firewalls wasn’t. Saints Row’s
activities are wildly variable, but
short enough to let you blast through
the bad ones.
For every few you complete, you’ll
get access to a hefty story mission in
which the Saints fend off a major
attack from one of the three rival
gangs of Steelport, or strike out to
take some territory for themselves.
These missions contain some of
Saints Row: The Third’s finest
moments. Diving out of a helicopter
into a penthouse swimming pool in
the middle of a rival gang party, and
then wading out with a rocket
launcher was one. Taking cover
behind an angry, naked Russian ogre
man to do battle with an army of
clones was another.
Considered in isolation, its
mechanics are solid at best. The
driving is easy and fast, even if the
cars feel a little weightless. Choppers
feel powerful but sluggish, and the
shooting is almost laughably easy at
points. My most powerful weapon
for the first third of the game was the
pistol. You can wipe out a room by
chaining headshots: enemies like to
cluster together, and all seem to be
the same height. Saints Row ups the
ante later on by throwing enormous
hordes of stupid-but-determined
opponents your way. They come
skidding up in decked-out cars,
sniping from helicopters, and sliding
around on roller skates. As you
progress, you gain access to more-powerful weaponry like UAV drones
and a destructive shock hammer.
Combat is rarely challenging, but it
does get spectacular.
This over-the-top combat forms
the basis of Saints Row: The Third’s
co-op survival Whored Mode (aping
Gears of Wars’ Horde Mode). It’s a
good way to get into a fast fight, but
it’s been made redundant by the fact
that a friend can jump into your
campaign at any time to play.
The addition of co-op only adds to
the playground feel of the city. You
can start huge, escalating fights with
any of the three gangs by wading into
their territory and shooting them. If
you’re not concerned with the story,
you can buy the local establishments
in each territory, boosting your
hourly salary and earning you
discounts in shops. Unlocked
safehouses can be expanded and
customized, there’s a brain-melting
number of costume options available,
and you can even buy upgrades for
you and your gang’s vehicles.
It’s insane. In fact, it barely makes
any sense, but for all its wonky bits,
there’s an odd charm to Volition’s
decision to leave nothing on the
drawing board. It’s not the largest
sandbox, but it is packed full of
brilliant toys. Saints Row: The Third’s
commitment to unrestricted,
ridiculous fun is unflinching, and the
product is a city full of glorious
slapstick debauchery.
I teetered
on the brink
of genuine
offense
throughout.
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Cast of characters
Story missions also put you in touch
with Saints Row’s surprisingly funny
cast of characters. Some are just jerks.
Fine, they’re all jerks—but you’ll
separate the ones you can’t stand and
the ones you’ll choose to drive
around with you based on how much
of their schtick you can handle. The
pimp who speaks entirely in autotune
was amusing for the first t wo
missions, then I abandoned him. On
a more socially acceptable level, the
vengeful Shaundi makes a welcome
return from the second game, and
the seven-foot-tall, turtleneck-wearing Oleg is a lovable addition.
Saints Row’s humor blends a shock-and-awe assault of nudity and
narcotics jokes with some knowing,
clever one-liners. I teetered on the
brink of genuine offense throughout,
but stayed on the happy side of
disgusted. True, it’s a game that lets
you fatally hit an innocent pedestrian
in the face with a huge purple dildo,
but you can’t hire a hooker, drive her
into the middle of nowhere, and
shoot her. And there are no women-slapping quick-time events, or any of
the other moments of nastiness that
Grand Theft Auto slips under the
radar in the name of parody.
The ridiculous, funny, disgusting
balance that Saints Row strikes with
its characters, and the all-in attitude
to mission objectives forms the glue
that holds the whole thing together.
◆ Price $50 ◆ Release Out now ◆ Publisher THQ ◆ Developer Volition
◆ Multiplayer 2-player co-op ◆ Link www.saintsrow.com ◆ ESRB M
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